Friday, March 12, 2004
confessions of a catholic wanna-be
If I had been free to choose any religious denomination, I think it is very likely that I would have ended up a social gospel catholic. There is a large part of me that has always wanted to be catholic. I know all the theological arguments against Catholicism. I think a whole lot of the catholic stuff is - well - weird. Weird and silly. We have a catholic church near us that has, in its parking lot, a kind of “drive-by” shrine. I have always had an urge to go in the middle of the night and leave a loaf of wonder bread at this shrine. Just because.
Still, there is something about the idea of confession. Something about the rosary. Something about the administered communion. Something about the kneeling to pray. Something about convents and abbeys. There is something about it all that makes me think that maybe, just maybe, I should have been catholic.
I could not, of course, have been a catholic and married a priest. This would have been a big problem for me. When I was twelve, I was at church camp at Lake Aurora Christian Camp in central Florida. On the last night, I asked if I could speak at the waterfront vespers. I got up, preached a sermon and had dozens of kids come forward. I was convicted. I was ready. I knew I was going to be a preacher.
When my father came to pick me up - I greeted him with the exciting news that I had decided to follow in his footsteps and become a preacher. My father did not pause. Girls could not be preachers, he told me. I could marry a preacher, but I could not be a preacher. I was really pissed off, but I knew that my destiny must be to marry a preacher. I did marry a preacher. Some girls may have a thing for musicians or athletes, I always had a thing for ministers. This would not have been possible, had I been a catholic. Plus, I believe in birth control.
If the church is the bride of Christ - and our commitment to the church is like a marriage, then I have always wanted to have a one-night stand with the catholic church. I don’t want to leave my church or denomination, but I would still love to slip in a confession booth - just once - and say “forgive me father for I have sinned”. I would like, perhaps, to bury a Saint Christopher in the yard. I'd love to do midnight mass. Just a fling. A walk on the wild side. I know the doctrine is wrong. It just calls to me somehow.
The other night I was having dinner with my parents and they were talking about The Passion . Evidently, they had heard that the film depicts the stations of the cross. My mom asked my father and husband if they knew what the stations of the cross were (as they are both ex-catholics). Neither of them knew. I chimed in and listed the stations. Everyone got really quiet. They wanted to know why I knew the stations of the cross. This is not protestant knowledge. "Um", I lied, "I must have read it in a book." The truth is, I think the stations of the cross are cool. I looked them up at some point and memorized them, right along with hail Mary full of grace.
For a while, in high school, I was dating a catholic boy and I kept asking details about confession. He was confused by my interest - evidently confession is not something most catholics get all excited about doing. I knew from the movies that I should say “Forgive me father, for I have sinned”. But then what? Did I have to say how long it had been since my last confession? If I said “and I am not really catholic” - would I get kicked out of the confession booth? Did I have to list which sins were cardinal and which sins were not? My boyfriend at the time was not much help. I decided to ask my father.
My father seemed very open minded about most things. He had been a catholic as a young boy - so I knew he would know the procedures. Whenever I have had spiritual questions, my dad has encouraged me. Over and over again, I have been told that it is okay to question - that what God needs is more thinking Christians. He asked me to read Salinger to him. Once, he even used a quote from Franny and Zooey in a sermon. My dad would ask what the lyrics to the Sex Pistols meant. He was very cool about all my wonderings. I was shocked at his response to my desire to go to confession.
My father sat me down and proceeded to explain to me all about the doctrinal heresy and theological issues with the catholic church. Then he went on and on about confession. We do not need to go to confession. We are all priests of the Gospel. Jesus took away the need for an intermediary. You do not have to do any penance for your sins. Sins are all forgiven. Sins are all forgiven.
I listened to my father. I agreed with his argument. I believe this theology. I know that in terms of doctrine, he is right. I know that I do not need to go to confession.
But I still want to.
Still, there is something about the idea of confession. Something about the rosary. Something about the administered communion. Something about the kneeling to pray. Something about convents and abbeys. There is something about it all that makes me think that maybe, just maybe, I should have been catholic.
I could not, of course, have been a catholic and married a priest. This would have been a big problem for me. When I was twelve, I was at church camp at Lake Aurora Christian Camp in central Florida. On the last night, I asked if I could speak at the waterfront vespers. I got up, preached a sermon and had dozens of kids come forward. I was convicted. I was ready. I knew I was going to be a preacher.
When my father came to pick me up - I greeted him with the exciting news that I had decided to follow in his footsteps and become a preacher. My father did not pause. Girls could not be preachers, he told me. I could marry a preacher, but I could not be a preacher. I was really pissed off, but I knew that my destiny must be to marry a preacher. I did marry a preacher. Some girls may have a thing for musicians or athletes, I always had a thing for ministers. This would not have been possible, had I been a catholic. Plus, I believe in birth control.
If the church is the bride of Christ - and our commitment to the church is like a marriage, then I have always wanted to have a one-night stand with the catholic church. I don’t want to leave my church or denomination, but I would still love to slip in a confession booth - just once - and say “forgive me father for I have sinned”. I would like, perhaps, to bury a Saint Christopher in the yard. I'd love to do midnight mass. Just a fling. A walk on the wild side. I know the doctrine is wrong. It just calls to me somehow.
The other night I was having dinner with my parents and they were talking about The Passion . Evidently, they had heard that the film depicts the stations of the cross. My mom asked my father and husband if they knew what the stations of the cross were (as they are both ex-catholics). Neither of them knew. I chimed in and listed the stations. Everyone got really quiet. They wanted to know why I knew the stations of the cross. This is not protestant knowledge. "Um", I lied, "I must have read it in a book." The truth is, I think the stations of the cross are cool. I looked them up at some point and memorized them, right along with hail Mary full of grace.
For a while, in high school, I was dating a catholic boy and I kept asking details about confession. He was confused by my interest - evidently confession is not something most catholics get all excited about doing. I knew from the movies that I should say “Forgive me father, for I have sinned”. But then what? Did I have to say how long it had been since my last confession? If I said “and I am not really catholic” - would I get kicked out of the confession booth? Did I have to list which sins were cardinal and which sins were not? My boyfriend at the time was not much help. I decided to ask my father.
My father seemed very open minded about most things. He had been a catholic as a young boy - so I knew he would know the procedures. Whenever I have had spiritual questions, my dad has encouraged me. Over and over again, I have been told that it is okay to question - that what God needs is more thinking Christians. He asked me to read Salinger to him. Once, he even used a quote from Franny and Zooey in a sermon. My dad would ask what the lyrics to the Sex Pistols meant. He was very cool about all my wonderings. I was shocked at his response to my desire to go to confession.
My father sat me down and proceeded to explain to me all about the doctrinal heresy and theological issues with the catholic church. Then he went on and on about confession. We do not need to go to confession. We are all priests of the Gospel. Jesus took away the need for an intermediary. You do not have to do any penance for your sins. Sins are all forgiven. Sins are all forgiven.
I listened to my father. I agreed with his argument. I believe this theology. I know that in terms of doctrine, he is right. I know that I do not need to go to confession.
But I still want to.
