Friday, May 28, 2004
what lies beneath
Man has places in his heart which do not yet exist, and into them enters suffering in order that they may have existence.
-Leon Bloy
Morrissey has a new album. There is a song on it that is called “I Have Forgiven You Jesus”. I played it for my husband and he was a little bit concerned about me. I had to explain it to him. I understand it. I understand it too well. Wish I didn’t.
I have a confession. I had to stop reading The Sacred Romance. I loved it. The first part of the book is all marked up and underlined. I bought copies for people that I care about. I thought it was a fantastic book. I just had to stop reading it. I had to stop reading it because I am absolutely terrified of God. This is the one thing that consistently puts a strain on my faith.
Fear is what lies beneath my reluctance to read the Bible. I don’t know, perhaps if the book of Job was not in the Bible - if the Bible did not have that case of someone’s life being totally destroyed and having God deliberately say “Okay, destroy him - just don’t kill him”. Maybe if that was not in there, I could come up with some sort of rationalization. Something like the whole “God just allows bad things to happen/it is a fallen world” argument (although, truthfully, allowing bad things is still not very comforting). Even without Job, when I look at the Bible - the whole Bible - and I look at the people in the Bible - bad things happened. Whenever God appeared, or sent an angel to a person, it scared them. In my heart, I know that if God sent an angel to tell me something - it would not be like winning a sweepstakes. There would not be balloons and flowers. I would not get a pat on the head and a prize. It would be scary. It would be because I was going to get asked to do something that I did not want to do and there would be no promise that things would not be bad. This scares me. I put the Bible away. I am afraid to want more God in my life. I am afraid of what I may have to do or give up.
This fear is why, although I am very, very consistent when it comes to praying- I think I suck at prayer. I pray all the time. I probably pray at least once an hour. It is a habit I picked up when I was pregnant and the doctor kept being worried that the baby was not okay. Praying for nine months seemed astronomical. I found, if I prayed every hour (or every half of an hour) - if I prayed that things would be okay for an hour at a time - it seemed manageable. I could believe in sixty minutes at a time. So I became a habitual prayer.
The problem is - I can not seem to pray more than a word or two. I never pray more than a few words. I pray things like: “Just help”, and “Please”, and “Thank You”, and “Be with him”. I pray “please” all the time. I don’t even really know what I am saying “please” about. It is just “please”, I guess. I will ask nicely, so please be nice. Please do not hurt me. Please do not hurt them. Please fix things. Please keep them safe. It is a hesitant prayer that I pray. Please, God. Every hour, I pray my pathetic prayers. My heart is always fearful when I do. Because I know that things will not always be fixed, that people will get hurt, and that bad things have happened and do happen and will happen. I say “please”. Every now and then, I cry when I say it. I cried this morning, thinking of someone that I Love. I am afraid that they are making a mistake. I cried. I cried and I said "please". Then, I cried some more because I was scared.
My fear of God makes church difficult. It makes listening to sermons difficult. It makes praise and worship difficult. I have a hard time seeing everyone all excited and happy in church all the time. They ask God to be present. They sing how about how blessed and happy they are or will be.
I have had times when I feel like I stood on the edge of a cliff and looked right into the depths of the worst Hell that any person could face. My father once told me that God did not care if I was happy. God only cared that I was growing closer to Him. I know that this is true. This scares me. If I am honest, I know that the hard things in my life have been the things that have made me more compassionate, more humble, more gentle. When I am around people who have had mostly happy lives, I don’t know how to relate to them for very long. There is a depth of compassion that is found in other people that have been hurt, been really hurt. I could probably guess, within five minutes of meeting someone or reading what someone writes, if they have ever really known pain. There is a strength and a beauty about the ones that have. I am drawn to that beauty. I am drawn to the scars that prove Grace is true. I want to hear their stories. I honor the rough edges and the lingering sadness that makes every breath they breathe a prayer. At the same time, they break my heart. And I get mad at God. I think “How could You have let that happen?”. I think, “If I were You, I would be more Kind”. I think, "How could you?". I think "I was just a kid. He was just a kid. She was just a kid." I think “Where were You? “. I think "You should have done something". I get so angry. The kind of real angry that you only get when you are terrified. I scream.
WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?
I know the answer.
The answer is “on the cross”.
And I am scared. I am terrified. I don’t want to go to church or read the Bible or pray more than “please”. I don’t want to say I want more God. I don’t want to say “teach me Grace”, or “give me patience”, or “let me be more like You”. The words to those songs get stuck in my heart. I would rather compromise. I would rather decide that I want easier things and find a way to get them all by myself. I would rather just want an easy life, a happy life. I would rather not wait on God or trust that He knows best. Because His answer scares me. What He will ask of me scares me. The way to learn these things scares me.
I have learned to say “though You slay me, still I will love you”. I do believe I can say this, and mean it. I Love Him. I have forgiven Him. I won’t stop Loving him, no matter what happens.
Still, He scares me. I am not content with wanting easy things. I do not want shallow Grace and faith. I want to be more like Christ. I want to see Him more clearly. I want to depend on Him more fully. I want to feel His hand in mine.
This terrifies me. I don’t know how to not be scared.
Please.
just. please.
-Leon Bloy
Morrissey has a new album. There is a song on it that is called “I Have Forgiven You Jesus”. I played it for my husband and he was a little bit concerned about me. I had to explain it to him. I understand it. I understand it too well. Wish I didn’t.
I have a confession. I had to stop reading The Sacred Romance. I loved it. The first part of the book is all marked up and underlined. I bought copies for people that I care about. I thought it was a fantastic book. I just had to stop reading it. I had to stop reading it because I am absolutely terrified of God. This is the one thing that consistently puts a strain on my faith.
Fear is what lies beneath my reluctance to read the Bible. I don’t know, perhaps if the book of Job was not in the Bible - if the Bible did not have that case of someone’s life being totally destroyed and having God deliberately say “Okay, destroy him - just don’t kill him”. Maybe if that was not in there, I could come up with some sort of rationalization. Something like the whole “God just allows bad things to happen/it is a fallen world” argument (although, truthfully, allowing bad things is still not very comforting). Even without Job, when I look at the Bible - the whole Bible - and I look at the people in the Bible - bad things happened. Whenever God appeared, or sent an angel to a person, it scared them. In my heart, I know that if God sent an angel to tell me something - it would not be like winning a sweepstakes. There would not be balloons and flowers. I would not get a pat on the head and a prize. It would be scary. It would be because I was going to get asked to do something that I did not want to do and there would be no promise that things would not be bad. This scares me. I put the Bible away. I am afraid to want more God in my life. I am afraid of what I may have to do or give up.
This fear is why, although I am very, very consistent when it comes to praying- I think I suck at prayer. I pray all the time. I probably pray at least once an hour. It is a habit I picked up when I was pregnant and the doctor kept being worried that the baby was not okay. Praying for nine months seemed astronomical. I found, if I prayed every hour (or every half of an hour) - if I prayed that things would be okay for an hour at a time - it seemed manageable. I could believe in sixty minutes at a time. So I became a habitual prayer.
The problem is - I can not seem to pray more than a word or two. I never pray more than a few words. I pray things like: “Just help”, and “Please”, and “Thank You”, and “Be with him”. I pray “please” all the time. I don’t even really know what I am saying “please” about. It is just “please”, I guess. I will ask nicely, so please be nice. Please do not hurt me. Please do not hurt them. Please fix things. Please keep them safe. It is a hesitant prayer that I pray. Please, God. Every hour, I pray my pathetic prayers. My heart is always fearful when I do. Because I know that things will not always be fixed, that people will get hurt, and that bad things have happened and do happen and will happen. I say “please”. Every now and then, I cry when I say it. I cried this morning, thinking of someone that I Love. I am afraid that they are making a mistake. I cried. I cried and I said "please". Then, I cried some more because I was scared.
My fear of God makes church difficult. It makes listening to sermons difficult. It makes praise and worship difficult. I have a hard time seeing everyone all excited and happy in church all the time. They ask God to be present. They sing how about how blessed and happy they are or will be.
I have had times when I feel like I stood on the edge of a cliff and looked right into the depths of the worst Hell that any person could face. My father once told me that God did not care if I was happy. God only cared that I was growing closer to Him. I know that this is true. This scares me. If I am honest, I know that the hard things in my life have been the things that have made me more compassionate, more humble, more gentle. When I am around people who have had mostly happy lives, I don’t know how to relate to them for very long. There is a depth of compassion that is found in other people that have been hurt, been really hurt. I could probably guess, within five minutes of meeting someone or reading what someone writes, if they have ever really known pain. There is a strength and a beauty about the ones that have. I am drawn to that beauty. I am drawn to the scars that prove Grace is true. I want to hear their stories. I honor the rough edges and the lingering sadness that makes every breath they breathe a prayer. At the same time, they break my heart. And I get mad at God. I think “How could You have let that happen?”. I think, “If I were You, I would be more Kind”. I think, "How could you?". I think "I was just a kid. He was just a kid. She was just a kid." I think “Where were You? “. I think "You should have done something". I get so angry. The kind of real angry that you only get when you are terrified. I scream.
WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?
I know the answer.
The answer is “on the cross”.
And I am scared. I am terrified. I don’t want to go to church or read the Bible or pray more than “please”. I don’t want to say I want more God. I don’t want to say “teach me Grace”, or “give me patience”, or “let me be more like You”. The words to those songs get stuck in my heart. I would rather compromise. I would rather decide that I want easier things and find a way to get them all by myself. I would rather just want an easy life, a happy life. I would rather not wait on God or trust that He knows best. Because His answer scares me. What He will ask of me scares me. The way to learn these things scares me.
I have learned to say “though You slay me, still I will love you”. I do believe I can say this, and mean it. I Love Him. I have forgiven Him. I won’t stop Loving him, no matter what happens.
Still, He scares me. I am not content with wanting easy things. I do not want shallow Grace and faith. I want to be more like Christ. I want to see Him more clearly. I want to depend on Him more fully. I want to feel His hand in mine.
This terrifies me. I don’t know how to not be scared.
Please.
just. please.
