Monday, July 26, 2004
spider
When I became an adult, and my father felt confident that all my youthful rebellion was behind me, he confessed that he had a speech prepared that he had dubbed: “When Amy Comes To Tell Me She’s An Atheist”. He thanked me, because this was one talk that we never had to have.
It is impossible for me to be an atheist; I have proof that God is real. I may have doubted everything else about religion - but I never doubted the existence of God. When I was six years old, God answered me when I called out to him. I remember every detail of the day that I knew I was going to die. I remember every word of the prayer I prayed. I remember these things - and even now, I am amazed.
I attended Astoria Park Elementary School in Tallahassee, Florida. In kindergarten, I was tested and placed in the gifted program (a.k.a. College for Kids). Every week, they sent a group of us outside, where we waited under an orange metal awning for a bus to take us to Florida A&M University. It was the seventies. There were no seat belts in cars, or child safety lids on medicine bottles. We waited for the bus without adult supervision.
I was younger than the rest of my class, and I had grown up surrounded by Jesus Freaks and hippies. I talked to God and I talked to trees. The other kids thought I was strange. Mostly, I kept to myself.
One day, we were standing outside - waiting - and a small white spider landed on my arm and bit me. I was terrified of spiders, and I worried about everything. Even at age six, I had a tendency to get paranoid and panic. I was worried about the spider bite. I needed reassurance.
Every elementary school has that kid in it: The Smartest Kid In School. The one that ought to skip a few grades. The spelling-bee champion and science-fair winner. The kid that watches Nova for fun - that kid. Luckily for me, that kid was also waiting for the College for Kids bus. He was a small boy with bushy, white-blond hair and glasses. I was in awe of him.
I went over to where he was standing like a prophet with his group of devoted followers, and I told him about the spider. He was very interested. He asked me to describe the spider in detail. I told him that it was small and white. He thought for a moment, then he asked me if it was really small. I said it was - as small as the top of an eraser. He nodded knowingly, and he somberly gave me the bad news.
I had been bitten by The Most Deadly Spider In The World. I had about five minutes before the poison reached my brain. I could not believe it - and yet, I could. I mean, I had known when it landed on me that it was a bad, bad spider. I felt it - sensed it somehow. Now, I knew just how bad the spider was. In five minutes, I was going to die. The smartest boy in school assured me that my death would be quick and painless.
I took a moment to process this information. I wondered what I should do. Should I tell a teacher? Should I call home? If I did, my parents could not do anything because I lived more than five minutes from school. The situation appeared hopeless, and so, I decided I would just wait to die. At the time, it seemed like my only option.
I went over to the side of the walkway, and I put my arms around the orange pole that held up one side of the awning. I rested my forehead against the cool metal, and I began to pray.
I told God that I knew I was going to die, but that I did not mind. I was happy to know that I was going to be with Him soon. I knew that that He was waiting for me. I told Him that it was okay that the spider had bitten me. I was only sad about one thing: I was sad that I would not get to tell my family goodbye - I was sad that I had to wait to die alone.
I told God that I just wished there was some way he could come down and put his arms around me until it was over.
I stood there, hugging the pole, completely still. I was not crying; I was just repeating the last part of my prayer over and over again. I just wish you could come down and put your arms around me until it is over.
Suddenly, I felt myself wrapped in two arms. I opened my eyes and looked up, half-expecting to find myself in heaven. What I saw was the principal of my school. She noticed my disoriented expression, and she held me tighter. She whispered in my ear: “I looked out my window and saw you, and I thought to myself: That little girl needs a hug.”
My principal was not a touchy-feely administrator. She was not normally a hugger. As she held me in her arms, I broke down and began to cry.
Gently, she led me into her office to find out what was wrong. I told her about the spider, and about being scared. I did not tell her what really made me cry. I did not tell her that I had prayed for God to put his arms around me and that I knew - I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God had gone into her office, and pointed outside of her small rectangular window - at me. I knew that He had whispered in her ear: ” That little girl needs a hug”.
Not long afterwards, I read Matthew 6:25-34 - the verses in the Bible about worry. These are the verses that say: “Consider the birds of the air; Consider the lilies of the field”. They talk about small things. Birds and lilies seem inconsequential - but God sees and cares for them. This passage in Matthew became my favorite. Even as a child, I had it memorized.
I believe in these things.
I love a God that cares about small birds and lilies. I have faith in a God that heard the lonely prayer of a frightened six year old. I trust this God, who whispered in someone's ear:There is a little girl that needs a hug. Through the arms of an unknowing angel, God reached down when I needed him, and held me in strong and gentle arms.
There are many, many things that I might doubt - but I can never doubt Love like this.
It is impossible for me to be an atheist; I have proof that God is real. I may have doubted everything else about religion - but I never doubted the existence of God. When I was six years old, God answered me when I called out to him. I remember every detail of the day that I knew I was going to die. I remember every word of the prayer I prayed. I remember these things - and even now, I am amazed.
I attended Astoria Park Elementary School in Tallahassee, Florida. In kindergarten, I was tested and placed in the gifted program (a.k.a. College for Kids). Every week, they sent a group of us outside, where we waited under an orange metal awning for a bus to take us to Florida A&M University. It was the seventies. There were no seat belts in cars, or child safety lids on medicine bottles. We waited for the bus without adult supervision.
I was younger than the rest of my class, and I had grown up surrounded by Jesus Freaks and hippies. I talked to God and I talked to trees. The other kids thought I was strange. Mostly, I kept to myself.
One day, we were standing outside - waiting - and a small white spider landed on my arm and bit me. I was terrified of spiders, and I worried about everything. Even at age six, I had a tendency to get paranoid and panic. I was worried about the spider bite. I needed reassurance.
Every elementary school has that kid in it: The Smartest Kid In School. The one that ought to skip a few grades. The spelling-bee champion and science-fair winner. The kid that watches Nova for fun - that kid. Luckily for me, that kid was also waiting for the College for Kids bus. He was a small boy with bushy, white-blond hair and glasses. I was in awe of him.
I went over to where he was standing like a prophet with his group of devoted followers, and I told him about the spider. He was very interested. He asked me to describe the spider in detail. I told him that it was small and white. He thought for a moment, then he asked me if it was really small. I said it was - as small as the top of an eraser. He nodded knowingly, and he somberly gave me the bad news.
I had been bitten by The Most Deadly Spider In The World. I had about five minutes before the poison reached my brain. I could not believe it - and yet, I could. I mean, I had known when it landed on me that it was a bad, bad spider. I felt it - sensed it somehow. Now, I knew just how bad the spider was. In five minutes, I was going to die. The smartest boy in school assured me that my death would be quick and painless.
I took a moment to process this information. I wondered what I should do. Should I tell a teacher? Should I call home? If I did, my parents could not do anything because I lived more than five minutes from school. The situation appeared hopeless, and so, I decided I would just wait to die. At the time, it seemed like my only option.
I went over to the side of the walkway, and I put my arms around the orange pole that held up one side of the awning. I rested my forehead against the cool metal, and I began to pray.
I told God that I knew I was going to die, but that I did not mind. I was happy to know that I was going to be with Him soon. I knew that that He was waiting for me. I told Him that it was okay that the spider had bitten me. I was only sad about one thing: I was sad that I would not get to tell my family goodbye - I was sad that I had to wait to die alone.
I told God that I just wished there was some way he could come down and put his arms around me until it was over.
I stood there, hugging the pole, completely still. I was not crying; I was just repeating the last part of my prayer over and over again. I just wish you could come down and put your arms around me until it is over.
Suddenly, I felt myself wrapped in two arms. I opened my eyes and looked up, half-expecting to find myself in heaven. What I saw was the principal of my school. She noticed my disoriented expression, and she held me tighter. She whispered in my ear: “I looked out my window and saw you, and I thought to myself: That little girl needs a hug.”
My principal was not a touchy-feely administrator. She was not normally a hugger. As she held me in her arms, I broke down and began to cry.
Gently, she led me into her office to find out what was wrong. I told her about the spider, and about being scared. I did not tell her what really made me cry. I did not tell her that I had prayed for God to put his arms around me and that I knew - I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God had gone into her office, and pointed outside of her small rectangular window - at me. I knew that He had whispered in her ear: ” That little girl needs a hug”.
Not long afterwards, I read Matthew 6:25-34 - the verses in the Bible about worry. These are the verses that say: “Consider the birds of the air; Consider the lilies of the field”. They talk about small things. Birds and lilies seem inconsequential - but God sees and cares for them. This passage in Matthew became my favorite. Even as a child, I had it memorized.
I believe in these things.
I love a God that cares about small birds and lilies. I have faith in a God that heard the lonely prayer of a frightened six year old. I trust this God, who whispered in someone's ear:There is a little girl that needs a hug. Through the arms of an unknowing angel, God reached down when I needed him, and held me in strong and gentle arms.
There are many, many things that I might doubt - but I can never doubt Love like this.
